Lab results from a toxicology report failed to find any components of “bath salts” in the system of the infamous man known as the “Causeway Cannibal” or the “Miami Zombie.”

For weeks now, news outlets have sited the designer drug as the main cause of Rudy Eugene’s attack on Ronald Poppo on May 26. From the eyewitness statements and surveilence footage, this seemed like a highly rational explanation.

The report not only ruled out bath salts but it also failed to find traces of cocaine, heroin, LSD, PCP, meth, or even alcohol. The only drug detected in the body of the assailant Eugene was marijuana.

To dissuade any misinformed readers from jumping to the wrong conclusion, let me clarify that this does not mean that marijuana was the cause of the violence. All inappropriate jokes about “the munchies” aside, Cannabis does not usually result in random bouts of cannibalism. Even if it sounds like it should.

The significance of this news is huge. As of now, no one knows what caused Eugene to attack and devour Poppo’s face. He was not on any traceable drugs (other than the famously-harmless marijuana) and didn’t have a history of savage assaults on unsuspecting victims.

This is probably the most unwelcome news I have heard this year.

If there is someone out there who doesn’t share my sense of unadulterated horror, let me explain myself. We can shrug off the scary incident with affable bewilderment and inappropriate puppy memes but we can’t ignore the fact that someone chewed someone’s face off. And when police forces appeared, he only growled at them and kept eating. He was stopped when- and only when- he was shot. Four times.

And we have no idea why.

I don’t know about you, but I’m jumpstarting my zombie paranoia and getting supplies ready. I might just start carrying a shovel around, just in case.

Don’t look at me like that. I’m not kidding. Not even a little bit.

-Rose Vardell, 98.5 WNCX Morning Show News Blogger